Sigh

I've been wanting to write a lot, lately, but have hardly got the time. Half a post was written on Friday and abandoned when region senior settled at my desk to help me meet some stupid deadline. The fact that I prefer a laptop's touchpad to a normal mouse surprisingly irks a lot of people. And that combined with the fact that I'd changed my mouse's right click settings to left click and vice versa had everyone who used my laptop in a fix. Yes, that's the amazing story of my life. I am terribly bored with my work.

There. I was interrupted then by the same senior and here I am, just back from lunch and so enthusiastically looking forward to the next few hours where I will sit with her and Chilli, locked up in a room because we're taking ages over what should've been done in a couple of hours. The aforementioned interruption took place so that we could have a meeting where senior went on about how if we wrapped up shitty work soon enough, we could get our hands on good work etc etc. And while she was right and I agreed, my motivation levels are abysmal right now. Maybe I should follow that 'best motivators at work' page I'd read and have a coffee in the morning. Maybe that'll help.

HAWGAH's latest events turned out to be an anticlimax. Poor mom. If I ever see that girl again, I'll slap her. And now, a duplicate turns up. This is a third encounter, yeah, an encounter of the third kind.

I spent last Friday in an agonizing wait for an email that would tell me that my spanking new ickyicky account had been credited, but twas in vain. And on top of that, I forgot my ickyicky stuff in my desk drawer along with my charger and came back for both on Saturday... in a great mood, on a lovely, drizzly morning. It was an awesome day to feel rich :D (It is NOT getting to my head).

I am yet to do something significant with it. Trapped in the office for nearly 12 hours a day what with the commute, I'm too exhausted on weekends to do anything. But I really do love 5 day weeks. On Monday you're dreading the rest of the week, on Tuesday you're in work mode, by Wednesday you're thinking, 'Only two days more!' and Thursday and Friday vanish soon enough.

I love this company and what it does for its employees. But please God, give me better work! :'(

I need to write a whole post on Ammy. She's growing up so fast, I'd better do it soon.

Updates.

I've finished 8 working days now. At least half of them were terribly hectic. Two were spent at a boring induction at a 7 star hotel (or is it 5?) with notepads and the most exquisite pencils I've seen yet.

My laptop at home (yes, I've a laptop at work, but nothing too ooh-la-la) hangs frequently signaling an imminent hard disk crash. Some weeks before that, the charger got fried cause of a high voltage surge. Paani ki motor got burnt too.

Damn it. I can't write anymore. I'm experiencing major vocabulary block. I should really stop breaking into Hindi during conversations.

Oh. HAWGAH seems to be taking off... a little too soon? A shopping mall? Really?!

Evil punk rocker with male pattern baldness?

I'm putting on weight :'( And only today I was introduced to an expensive stall in the break-out area with aromas of authentic pizza and melting chocolate brownies wafting in the air.

Ammy update: Couldn't be naughtier. Will climb up steps if you let her go outside. Loves dust balls and eating hair. Is saying 'mimmi' these days. Also seems to have learnt to shake her head to say no. And shoes is 'shsheesh'. Will go mad if you don't close the lid of a bottle or box or an open door.... keeps shouting 'Beh! Beh! Beh!' (Beh for Bandh). Seems like her dad's made her a guardian angel over her mom's general tendency to leave things uncovered.

Will the weekend start already?!

* I had my left-side wisdom tooth removed last year, the right one today. The lower half of my right jaw is still numb which means it's going to hurt a LOT when the numbness wears off.

* I realized today that the only fiction I seem to be reading these days is chicklit. First it was a rather badly written, 'Almost Single' by some Indian author (:P to J). Then it was 'Everyone Worth Knowing' by the author of 'The Devil Wears Prada', both books I've enjoyed quite a bit. And then it was 'How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got A Life' (yes, I know it's been ages since it was published). The part I loved most about HOWGAL was that I had a completely different idea of what the novel was going to be like - I thought it would be one of those books where Miss Goody Two Shoes realizes she needs to get a life and to hell with everything else. While I still find the whole 'HOWGAL' (How Opal Will Get A Life for the uninitiated) plan a little incredulous, the writing is pretty funny even if a big part of it is plagiarized. I read up Kaavya Viswanathan's page on wiki and I still can't understand how her 'book-packagers' could have copied from SO many sources. Had they memorized the whole chicklit genre?!

* Most of my daytime these days goes into babysitting Ammy (who is now waddling around the house btw) and cooking (yes!). And I haven't lived up to my reputation of disaster-accident-prone me, I've actually managed to whip up decent stuff. When I mentioned the above facts to a classmate and added 'I'm becoming quite domesticated', she said 'Yeah, you've become a cow :P'. Hmmf.

* I think I should start writing 'HAWGAH'. Extremely dismal outlook right now.

* Thank God for unlocked scrapbooks!

* Work starts from the 12th of next month and I know nothing! Waaaah :'( And I have no idea how I'm going to manage both work and cooking (Mom says it's high time we gave her a rest :( ). How AM I going to do it?!

* There are so many people I need to call! Tsssst!

Okay, before I freak out completely and spout more bullets, it's tta time.

Mortality. Morality.

They will ask thee about intoxicants and games of chance. Say: "In both there is great evil as well as some benefit for man; but the evil which they cause is greater than the benefit which they bring." - 2:219, Quran

How different each death is, and yet it leads us into the self-same country, that country which we inhabit so rarely, where we see the worthlessness of what we have long pursued and will continue pursuing. - Iris Murdoch, 'The Sea, The Sea'

I have some mental unburdening to do. The past week has been difficult but it's surely nothing compared to what Pb is going through or A. To obsess about being half a nothing would be extremely selfish, but like they say, 'There may be a famine in Africa but the boil on your neck is more painful'.

Day after day after day... '44 die as bus falls into canal', '39 killed in a suicide attack', '20 killed as bomb explodes' and worse - '20 year old boy arrested for killing a 7 year old girl after luring her with sweets and raping her', 'Man stabbed by friends in a quarrel over money', 'Mother-in-law and husband set fire to woman as her 5 children watch', '10th class student commits suicide'... such headlines are so routine that you gloss over them as you turn the pages looking for something 'interesting. Or maybe you click your tongue, mention it to someone around and forget it for the rest of forever. And then someone close to you dies, and with every mention of death you wonder what their loved ones must be going through. Of course, this empathy hardly lasts, soon enough you forget your mortality and life resumes its normal futile ways... both mercy and a curse, for how would we live through a second, if death is all we thought of? But then again, what's the use of living life without preparing for death? How swiftly a zillion things would lose if death was an instant away? And yet... such heedlessness.

When sis was telling me about the female patient with 90% burns, (who was set afire by her husband and mother-in-law while her children watched), we were having lunch and my mouth hung agape and stayed so for the next 5 minutes. I finally managed to utter, 'But... how could they... for dowry?! Are they animals?! Where's their humanity?' And dad looked up from his plate, gave me one look and said 'What do you know what poverty can do to people?'

Oh and G lost his life because a lawyer who was drunk while driving with his wife, mother and kids, stabbed him. Oh, and a hospital refused to treat him immediately, so G died simply for excessive loss of blood while on the way to the next hospital. A few months ago, a local MLA raised a hue and cry at a govt. hospital when his 1 year old niece lost her life because the doctors/administration insisted he fill some form first. And then his supporters joined him and in their unbridled enthusiasm, misbehaved... and what do you know, it turned into a communal issue, followed by a doctors' strike at the hospital that led to hundreds of poor patients with no one around to attend to them. This is the value we attach to life.

It's no wonder I keep hearing people say, 'Who would want to bring a child into this world?'...

For now, this is a rant. I hope and wonder if any other action can be taken other than making dua.

And I must remind myself:
Every soul shall have a taste of death: And only on the Day of Judgment shall you be paid your full recompense. Only he who is saved far from the Fire and admitted to the Garden will have attained the object (of Life): For the life of this world is but goods and chattels of deception. - 3:185, Quran

Know ye (all), that the life of this world is but play and amusement, pomp and mutual boasting and multiplying, (in rivalry) among yourselves, riches and children. - 57:20, Quran

Notes to Myself

1. Having a reunion of sorts.
2. Discovering I have a very specific multiple personality disorder. Will it affect the rest of my life?
3. Tching.

Heartache

(Extremely busy. This is a two day old post. Off to K for my convocation!)

I hate writing posts without being connected to the internet, but I’m in no mood to connect my lan wire and still sit near the monstrous monitor and type. Waiting for dad to buy a router and then there’ll be sheer bliss!

My gtalk message since the past two days says ‘experiencing minor withdrawal symptoms’, and yes, it gets to me periodically. I miss K, my room specifically. I miss Calicut. For once, more the place than the people. So what if I didn’t even know the language, I was free! No constraints or compulsions other than my own conscience. I like the routine at home, I like being, well, a non-nocturnal human being. But I miss knowing that I can step out whenever, wherever, maybe only because the urge to buy raspberry lip balm (my latest consumerist ‘product’ obsession) has surfaced. I have this urge to run around the aisles of Focus Mall, like cattle run amok. Rush into Odyssey, spend hours picking up gifts for people, nitpicking over details and then look at my cellphone only to gasp at what pm it is. Walk into Trend, stroll over to the cosmetics counter where the attendant will smile in recognition from the many visits to the original Trend where N and I spent much time over lipstick/gloss/eyeshadow (most of which, in my case at least, lies unused but still makes me happy). Or call up an auto from the hostel telephone (something I sorely miss here! What luxuries…) and flash a surprised happy smile at Mr. Prakash the autowala, who’s perennial wish is that I take his auto all the way to the city and back, but unfortunately for him, I prefer the cheaper alternative and get down at the bus stop. I miss my solitary jaunts to SM street, where people are often surprised to find that I’m not a malayali and their constant ‘madam, madam’ reminds me of Laad Bazaar and their similar ‘Aaiye madam, suitssareesdressmaterials’. Cherooty road, the first ‘branded stores’ shopping street with the Saundarya beauty parlour that N and I first visited and where one of the employees still asks N about me. Coffee Beanz – that became heaven for this garlic bread loving soul… Yes, the city I am in has all these and in much greater abundance, but you see, Focus Mall, SM Street, the Zero Plus store that I found hidden away behind Koyenco - the one with the shaved headed owner who would offer me a discount after I reminded him of how many people I had brought to his shop , Mr. Prakash the autowala, the smiling attendant at Odyssey who I relentlessly troubled one day, Cherooty road… they were all mine, my discoveries, my stories. Nobody took me there and many of them happened before my own eyes. Here? I find myself lost, fumbling for directions, confused… the number of options are supposed to be the advantages of a big city. I guess it’s why Baba used to have that nostalgic look on his face when he used to take us to the ground near our house - the place he grew up in, a ground near a haveli reachable only throw the narrowest of lanes, some which only a scooter could pass through (while worrying about scraping your knees) while other gullies wriggled through arches of the haveli’s ruins… probably ways and lanes he had discovered on his own, got lost in and found his way again…

I miss my room, my bed, my things, my… time. Yes, I have a room to myself here, a huge one that was meant originally for Blister and me, but it’s inconveniently upstairs and it just isn’t… mine. I unpacked my boxes today and was saddened at the thought that they would end up in just any drawer, I can’t even fight with Blister over which of the two is mine, her things aren’t even here.

Yes, six years of staying away from home has led to a lot of me-ness. Yes, there’s home-cooked food, affection to be had, familial conversation to be enjoyed but bondages are stronger here, I find myself cringing when I hear people calling me with ‘beta, this’, ‘beta, that’…

The year ahead looms over me, an over-familiar workplace with familiar people, a routine life with few pleasant surprises, but still, somehow, that solitude-seeking spirit hopes for some lunch-time stealaways, some mindless comfort shopping and for a miracle – a Focus mall right around the office block.

Hope – ‘tis what makes the world go round.

...

Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.

Hi, I'm Argentyne and I suffer from chronic laziness.

Tis Diwali. I'm not feeling well. There are too many things troubling me and I am solely responsible for most of them. The past two-three days have been awful, not painful but just depressing. Mostly due to bad skin days and my horrible sleeping habits. And yet, I continue and the vicious cycle becomes a noose around my neck. Today evening I found myself thinking about the guy from my college who committed suicide and left a note saying 'I have a severe sinus problem'. In my case, it's the dry skin that's driving me nuts. N and I went out the other day and I bought two moisturizers that I thought would work, I'm sure they would do very well on normal people. On me, zilch. I must get the old cream I used to use, but it's so expensive and I run out of it so often!

Bad sleep schedule, cold mornings have ruined my eating cycle which means it's giving me acidity. My skin is driving me nuts. I've also begun collecting other people's hangups, I've become OCD about multiple things. I *have* to sweep my room every morning. I *have* to look at the dust and cringe. I *have* to start getting overobsessed with disorderly clothes/books or dust on boxes. Just looking at insects makes my skin itch. If the fan is running at a very high speed, my skin goes dry, if it's running at a slow speed I get restless. The regulator's come off now and it's become extremely hard to get the fan to switch speeds. I've become careless about prayers. Everything is fluff. A firefox tab with inspirational quotes on the importance of time is perpetually open but I don't bother to look at it anymore. I listened to Dawud Wharnsby (I recommend this to anyone, just for the lovely and soothing music) today and the famed 'Last Breath', but still couldn't make myself get out of bed.

Back after a long break. It makes one feel so worthless when you know you're doing nothing worthwhile. Specially since you've suddenly realized that the most successful people (by any standards) are those who make the best use of their time. It was reading what has come to be one of my favouritest blogs, Lightness of Being that I realized I've stopped evolving, there are people I know everywhere who're disciplined, who're actually getting things out of life and here I am, and yet, and yet in spite of everything it's only here that I am. What does it take to get up and go? Why do some people find it so easy and why is it so tough for other people? When I was reading her blog, I just wanted to run to some Cave Hira of my own, find peace, find answers. And right now that's impossible, extremely loud music is reverberating throughout the campus, discordant with music playing within the hostel, finally resulting in total chaos. I know it's worse in the boys hostels, but this is really driving me nuts right now. Why, why so loud? I wanted to scream, to shout, but I'm more or less much more peaceful than then.

I know, I know that I'm happier when I"m ticking off things from a list. But what, what does it take to get from here to there? Why don't I have it? And I did try, an extremely ambitious revamping plan that failed, probably because it was too ambitious. I want a rehaul, I want a cleansing waterfall. I want to go home where I'm normal, but that's not a solution. Because it's here that I really am, the kind of person I am without being influenced by others. I sometimes find myself wishing that water would gush through the roof of my room and then everything would be all right.

I wish there was a No Sitcoms Day. Or No Meaningless Television Day. It's become such a useless addiction. There's no routine, so there's no reason to cut down on it. I remember how sick I was of routine during my summer internship. But the routine was satisfying to an extent, I managed to get in 10 mins of exercise, at least everyday. I'm going to sleep now, though it seems impossible that I will considering the painful noise and that I'll probably end up mulling over everything. Another sleepless night that will end up in me waking up tomorrow afternoon, same thing all over again...

I'm going to do one small thing though. I'm going to join the NaBloPoMo wagon. Late and for half the time only. I'm going to post three things I'm grateful for each day; I whine enough.

So here goes NaBloPoMo no. 1, 3 things I am grateful for today:

1. For friends who truly have the patience and the insight to understand me, at least 98% of the time
2. For Maliha's blog, I should call it a Ramadhan gift to myself.
   
3. For people like Dawud Wharnsby and Zaid, who offer much needed alternatives to regular music
   

First I was afraid, then I was petrified

Yes, in Chandler's helium voice.

Will I ever behave professionally?

I have a weird feeling in my tummy.

I think I should murder my inner voice.

I love Orkut.

I forget how good it was to talk to some people. I must remember to remain in touch and not lose track of people I love talking to.

After a long, long, time I'm feeling sleepy when I should be. No thanks to my disgustingly weak will power and many thanks to people who will lecture me until I want to bite their head off.

Between bwas and whees lie calm seas with hidden undercurrents. Tsunamis strike without warning. We shall call them tssssssssssssssst.

Yes, exactly how I'm feeling now: tsssssssssssssssst!

Losing track of time...

There's hardly anything to do nowadays. For the next few days, I hardly have more than three classes. All of this is driving me mad. I.WANT.WORK. But you know what the problem is? When you're caught up in a wild frenzy of deadlines, one small piece of work doesn't seem to be too much. But when you're whiling away your time, the littlest effort requires a lot of motivation and determination - a theory I was happily explaining to whiny Gokul. But yes, I am getting rather sick of doing nothing. There are contests to take part in but Ramadhan combined with chilly, please-let's-stay-in-bed mornings and the general atmosphere seem to be too much to battle. Today I broke all previous records by sleeping at 9 and waking up at 5 pm. Then spent two hours feeling bad about it. (It seems women are more self-critical than men. And more in need of attention. I don't want to believe it's true, but I know it is). After being very unresponsive to mom over gtalk (also because I had just got my hands on Photoshop), I realized that I better get out of my room and get some fuel to my jaded engine. Just to ensure that the engine stayed running, I made sure to take my laptop along so that I could go to the library after dindin.

And so I did, spent some time poring over Hindustan Times' Mint and have two things to share with you, my esteemed two and a half readers,

• The HR firm, Hewitt, predicts that salaries of people in the finance, banking and related IT industries will rise by 14.45% this year. Yayy!
  
• UTV is planning to start a TV channel directed at youth, called Bindass (such a new, fresh name!) whose programming will include, among others, a program called 'Sun Yaar Chill Maar', an Indian version of the popular sitcom Friends. :| (Ewww count = 3 (J, Orgy and Blister)

I shall now stop blabbering and try to turn in early. We now having sehris delivered to collez (made by sweet wife of nice mozlem gentilman who works here at Kampus. Very sweetly invited us to their house saying we would be doing _them_ an honour! Tsss. I likes. Good nights)

(PS: Blister says that I must not make people watch Ammy videos, cause they might not be as interested as I am. But I can't help it. She's just so.. sigh. I don't think I've ever been so excited and obsessed with a human being. She's coming here soon Inshallah.)

(PS2: Blister just wrote on gtalk: ammy scratching laptop keyboard :D (she sitting in blister's lap while blister typing) :-*)

Notes to myself

Been a while, no? Things have either been too stressful or too light for me to write. More of the former than the latter. Gave final CB quiz(zes) today. Five quizzes and I don't miss a single one. Two quizzes in StratMgt and I miss both. Bad luck hi kharab hai. Or maybe I have this conscious-sub-conscious hatred towards StratMgt, that I completely ignore any information related to the subject. Ditto ERC. Ugh. Finished final class of ERC today too. Gave presentation and as usual, Mr.Inhale-Exhale was looking elsewhere. I just can't get why they don't remove him from the faculty -
a) There's no one else and they need a figurehead
b) He has some dangerous contacts way up there

It's good he called those people from SAP, otherwise we'd have had to bear with this torturous, completely meaningless sessions for 30 hours. Except for the VP and his immediate junior who gave a decent overview of the whole system and actually talked business, the rest of the course has been completely useless. Combine that textbook with my SAPM and CMIB textbooks and you have three books that haven't been touched by the indiscriminate defiling point of my highlighter.

Been reading Snapshots from Hell lately. I never wanted to read it because of all the hype and because I have some grudge against MBA books, you know, the ones that everyone has read - Lee Iacocca's autobiography, The World is Flat (after I'd read the hilarious review that one critic wrote, I never wanted to touch it. In spite of the fact that it's been touted at least once every term), some Drucker book blah blah. I love this book though. Probably because in spite of my great engineering background, I'm a 'poet'. I'm more interested in the ideas than the math. Mathematical abstraction is something my brain refuses to deal with coherently. There I am thinking about x{x|x is an abstract topic}, then I start thinking that I'm thinking about x, then I realize I should stop thinking about x and then I think that I'm thinking that I should stop thinking about x. And then after chasing its tail for the past few minutes, my brain says - enough is enough. THINK. I shake my head and start again. Sounds stupid? Hilarious? It happens!

And while I couldn't (and still can't) figure out what I'm going to do with my MBA, I do know this - my knowledge horizon has expanded - humongously compared to a year ago. Sometimes when I'm reading about this latest business happening, I stop and think to myself - I am aware of this. I know what this is. It feels good! The other day when four of us teamed up to work on a project and I realized that I was actually using things I'd learnt in my summer internship, I was delighted. I'd never felt so useful in my life! Just that one day where schol hadn't come to office and the Corporate Fin team wanted a valuation done in - TWO HOURS. With hardly any historical data. No real peer comparable companies either. And bossman came, set up shop in the cubicle beside me. It was like setting up a mini workshop - me, bossman and Sujeev. I made some really dumb, mechanical mistakes that day. If they don't give me a PPI I'll know it was probably cause of that day. Nevertheless, at the end of that day - there was a feeling of exhilaration, of having done something - quickly and to the best of our ability. And the other day, when I was able to remember all that and do it, it felt great. Of course there was a model, so there wasn't much thinking on my part, but making all those assumptions and then finally reaching a value that seemed right - it felt awesome. Some threatening doubts still loomed and the fact that I didn't know what to do after my part was done was very unfulfilling. That's what I think the problem is here - I can do the small, little calculations that make the base, but do I know the big picture? No, not always. But exposure like this should help, and it will I hope.

Twas N's b'day on Monday. Got her a Murakami among other littlebittles. Went to the nice, golden glow place where Ramshi imitated each of us giving orders at the canteen :D Was very funny. Lots of lovely pictures shot. Subdued lighting greatly turns on the photographer in me. Wish I had a better camera.

PB's gone to the US. Everyone's going somewhere :( Finally though, I will too. Shall add Sri Lanka to my list of countries visited(5)! Of course, half of those 6 will have been only airports :D But good, something to look forward to.

The past few days have been full of sad news. Batchmate's dad passed away while on campus. Lots of people knew the two who drowned at Indore. And then stuff closer home. Also, rebellious mail sent to parents yest. has not been replied to yet. Isskary.

I have 7 hours of classes today :'(. Hwaaaaaaaaaa!
Okay, goonayits.
Sloopytime.

Be a man

Life lesson no.@##%$@!

Never EVER send a friend an email describing the most embarrassing thing that happened to you today. You just might end up forwarding that mail to someone who was not in the least meant to know your harrowing experiences!

Isn't it so amusing when

your obnoxious friend goes on nonstop about how obnoxious someone else is?

Hmm

I took a heavenly ride through our silence. But there's no shining sun to stare straight into. Only the rain, slow and dark.

I hate murkiness.

So long, farewell, are we to say goodbye?

Neil and Rewind left last night. bizit left this evening. Suma left too :( Gave her goodbye hugs, watched her face turn red and cryie. And now she's at home and K-sick :( Hwaaa :( Who's going to make all the noise in our hostel now? No more passing conversations with Neil and Rewind that usually ended in giggly me :( No more bugging bizit and having random, nonsensical gtalk conversations interspersed with lots of :Ps. Who's going to give me gyaan whenever I ask?

With all of them, I've learnt that there was much more to learn only when it was too late. I just hope I don't have similar regrets the same time next year. And I think it's high time I've stopped being nitpicky.

and life goes on

(Waiting outside a class that I bunked, preparing for my group’s Indian Economy presentation on ‘Tax Reforms in India’, no less! )

Yesterday, we formally part(i)ed from our seniors at the Taj. Was nice - plush carpet, dim golden lighting … They played Euphoria’s ‘Ab na ja’ during the flash presentation. If it were my farewell, I think I’d have begun crying – keeping in mind the kajal of course. (PS: How the hell is one supposed to apply mascara? It feels like your eyelid’s been weighed down by a ton of icky black goo. Wiping it off made me look like a cancer patient, but I think I managed decently. (to wipe it off i.e., not my new non-existent tumor).

There were some things that kinda put me off, but overall it’s an event I’ll remember for a number of reasons … none of which I can disclose here :D The ride back home was uncomfortable, not physically, but because I was sitting between two people who’d just had a quarrel. Irony sure got a kick from everything that was happening. She’s mean! She makes people cry! Humph.

Why do people and relationships have to so complicated? I want a kitten! :'(

Nyuz

So here I am, trying out my blind typing skills again. Another horribly boring class, taken by a professor who speaks at the speed of a tortoise chasing a snail.

A couple of days when SK (more appearances to follow a couple of months hence) wrote to me raising so many questions about our summer internship, I waved off his worries with a “Oh come on. We’re not the only freshers doing an internship! But looks like I spoke too soon, SK and I will probably be the only two people across b-schools working in this particular division. So we learned from our recruiter, who was visiting the campus for final placements. There was quite a bit of terrible small talk, another skill I need to work on. We sat there shareefly, like little obedient kids while the gentlemen had their lunch. Having been waiting since ages for them to appear, we’d even skipped lunch. Of course, they did ask us twice, the first time we mumbled something uncertainly and the second time we were asked, we said ‘Yes sir’ without the skip of a beat. We’re supposed to be dressed in ‘smart formals’. Now pray tell me what those are! I is scared, such officey formality. I hope things get comfortable with time, I’m not sure how long I can be ‘Yes, sir. No, sir. Everything all right, sir?’ (reminds you of that Indian yahoo audible doesn’t it?) (J keeps scaring me with these huge gtalk smileys that come with ‘MyTheme’ and has passed on the disease to VB too. Humph.)

(The most renowned sleeper of my class, (yeah, so what if yours truly was a close contender for the same once upon a time) has fallen asleep beside me and is still nodding and making writing motions with her eyes closed and head hanging low. Of course, her fist is supporting her left cheek and doing a decent job at it)

Among other things that happened yesterday was me passing by the ‘ad shooter and movie director’ of our batch, a quirky guy who once jokingly strangled me with the ends of my headwrap and scared the shit out of D and moi. (He once found D asleep on the library sofa and told her when she woke up “Your hair was looking so nice, I thought I should get a scissor and cut them off. But I didn’t want to go back to my room” (You get the picture). So I was passing by the whole cast along with the camera man and director and involuntarily let out an ‘Ooooooooooh! Shooooting!’ And all of them went laughing away to glory. Further information should be ready for release in a couple of days :D

* * *

Why do people judge other people so much? And why are there people, who refuse to give you a chance or are barely interested? Why is it that you get only a portion, when you can so longingly see the whole? And yet I know, that I do the same things too. Reminds me of what Sheeba wrote on her blog:

It's strange, and sad, that an essential part of building a community is excluding someone from it. The exclusivity is what gives it its importance. And the more exclusive it is, the higher the feeling of belonging.

This fact can only be understood by the person on the outside - the non smoker who sees the network of smokers at work, the woman who is suddenly excluded from the conversation with a smile a those words 'Guy talk', the nerd who is never invited to the parties of the 'cool' gang, the odd one out who suddenly finds all her friends talking in a different language (usually in my case, Malayalam).

For the person on the inside, there is just that cozy feeling of belonging. The closeness that comes from sharing an adventure, or a background. The group becomes the source of that social acceptance that human nature always seeks. And yet, these people will unconsiously deny non group members that social acceptance and that camaraderie.

What does it take to leave an indelible mark on people? Why do people say that you should learn to be manipulative and get your job done, but remember most those who were most helpful to them? How do you strike a balance between generosity and getting your work done, without being used or appearing selfish?

* * *

In other news: I got some shocking information from Sat. Terribly need to become more worldly-wise. Trooney’s been cracking interviews! So is munhbolabhai! Also horribly monotnous prof. is I believe, trying to endear himself to us by smiling mid-dialogue directly resulting in giving off an evil, maniacal expression. However, I must refrain from mentioning all this (he shouted at people yest. because he apparently heard that people were ‘making comments on him’)

Taw taw!

Because you wouldn't understand.

A first. The first. And hopefully one that doesn't count.

Notes to myself

Last weekend was an experience. Unforgettable and scary at the same time. Watched two people who were so into each other, it was heartwarming and envy-arousing at the same time. If there's something called screaming sighs silently, that's what I was doing. Then there was one of the best dinners I've had in ages, I love pasta! Rather, I love cheese :D And cheese laden quessadillas :D No wonder I'm putting on weight :|

The seniors leave soon. I can't believe I'm the same person who was wondering 'Will I ever miss this place?!' I will, in spite of the many differences between here and coll, between the kind of friends I have, between old me and new me. There are a few people I'm really going to miss, media cell people mostly. Wish some differences had dissolved earlier, but no use crying over spilt milk.

Have discovered that I'm not as senti as I thought I was, or that others have problems too, maybe different, but they still do. And that mental strength is a quality that I need to work on. This place is great to learn from people and I hope, by the time I leave ... I've learnt something substantial, to be a decent life manager in the least :) (I think I'm already sounding like someone else and scaring me :D Ah, there! I'm back :D)

Was also in a position I'd never like to be in again, as two of my readers will probably agree :| More lessons to be learned..

For some vague reason I remembered Blister and me making faces and laughing secretly at what Mom was saying from the kitchen... then bursting into giggles and Muster feeling jallous at all the bonding. :)

Am so happy about Amy, what with putting fist into mouth and all that. Will have to wait for March ... sigh :)

I thought I had so much to write about, nothing strikes now. Had a really fun MC meeting today, with lots of ball throwing back and forth, chicking bonding and panja ladaing.

And something beautiful from our oft-featured guest to end the day,

All You who Sleep Tonight

All you who sleep tonight
Far from the ones you love,
No hand to left or right
And emptiness above -

Know that you aren't alone
The whole world shares your tears,
Some for two nights or one,
And some for all their years.

Vikram Seth

Adios