Vacation diary - 1

Had a good trip until we reached JFK. Qatar Airways is amazing, more so for the inflight entertainment. I could choose from so many awesome movies, plus pause/start/stop whenever I wanted to, quite unlike Emirates' inflight stuff. Watched movies after a long time and that too back-to-back! Watched Confessions of A Shopaholic (nice, could've been better) and then Bride Wars. Yes, chickflicks. And accompanied with chocolate icecream. Definitely felt like a vacation :)

Reached JFK and had a really tough time waiting to clear immigration. Ended up in a weird warehouse like room where there were 90 percent people were either Muslim or South American. At least 50 percent of the names called out had 'Mohammad' in them. And the whole process was so inefficient! Was so frustrated by the time we came out (3 hours after we landed) that I told mom, "Let's just go back." Apparently all first time visitors go through this. But I saw only a handful of white faces and too many abayas, hijabs, beards. Really sad.



The first thing I told ze mama when we met was 'I hate your country'. But I hadn't seen New York until then. We left for New Jersey then, a long, long ride it was. But oh-so-scenic! Initially, the roads just seemed like slight variations of Dammam roads, but when we reached the city and then George Washington drive, oh-my-god. It was amazing, the New York skyline on one end, and cliff-faces on the other, and of course, the Hudson. So beautiful. Was completely overawed. I really didn't expect New York, almost a world capital, to be so green and so at one with nature. I'm already dying to start walking the streets. The 'awara' in me (as mom would put it) is dying to be left alone, to walk and to discover. I don't know how much of that will happen though.

(Some random pictures - a rainbow, sad pictures of the Hudson cause a railing was blocking the view, and the uncle's house. Better pictures next time insha allah)

Notes to myself

I've finished and put away my copy of Curfewed Night. And my mind is clouded with the number of questions it provoked. Alhamdulillah, there has been little pain or grief in my life. The kind of pain when something or someone is irrevocably lost. The closest I came to it was about a year ago and even though it was-to a large extent- vicarious, it was... Too difficult to handle. Too difficult to think about, even.

Basharat Peer writes about how his grandmother once said, 'when the blood of an innocent man is spilled, the sky turns red' and talks about how at least one innocent man has died in Kashmir since 1990. I cannot imagine what that must be like. He talks about militants, soldiers, counter-insurgents and the absurdity of so many lives being lost in vain.

PB refused to read it saying he knew enough stories of army--men who were stationed in Kashmir and their shocking tales about those across the border. I wonder why we forget our common humanity and succumb instead to borders, castes and creed. What remains is either apathy or greed, and in the worst case, both - a most destructive combination.

We need more books like these.

The Quiet World

The Quiet World

In an effort to get people to look
into each other's eyes more,
the government has decided to allot
each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it
to my ear without saying hello.
In the restaurant I point
at chicken noodle soup. I am
adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long
distance lover and proudly say
I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn't respond, I know
she's used up all her words
so I slowly whisper I love you,
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.

-- Jeffrey McDaniel

SNARL

I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. I want to go home. Have been wanting to since the past two hours. Have not got any work done. I want to GO HOME. I WANT TO SHOP FIRST. BUT MY MANAGER WILL NOT STOP YAKKING ON THE PHONE IN HIS HORRIBLY FAKE PUT-ON AMERICAN ACCENT! 

REVIEW MY REPORT ALREADY! 

Pichle saat dinon mein maine khoya...

This is the second weekend that actually seems like a real weekend. With the year-end review coming up, and with the new work-me (one who's trying to inculcate some of that much-lauded quality called proactiveness (and suffering because of it)), the last few weeks have been quite stressful. Not that the weeks before that weren't. The 'busy season' runs all year round! Well, the good thing is that there isn't much client work right now, so the deadlines are a little more flexible and my brain isn't stuffed with a zillion to-dos. I've learned the hard way that I can very easily forget something that I was told to do a minute before, so I'm writing everything down. While that does seem to take some of the stress away, looking at that loo-hooong list can be quite stressful in itself. Well, we live and we learn. At any rate, we live. (Where are these lines from? Googled - some quote).

Last week was even more frustrating cause I kept losing things. I did find some things, alhamdulillah. I think I badly needed that lesson. Sometimes you're so caught up in your own world that you completely forget to count your blessings. I kept losing things - first it was small things that I just overlooked, and then it got bigger and bigger until I was completely distraught. I repeated to myself, the prayer for lost things and reminded myself of the many things that I was dependent on Allah for. And the point was driven home when I read Premchand's words to the effect - 'And we make such plans when we don't even know if we'll draw in the next breath'.

A horrible skin infection taught me some other things too. Most important lesson? TAKE ANTIHISTAMINES! I don't know why I avoided them for so long. I'm pretty sure I'm sleeping a sounder sleep now that I'm taking them. Oh and you'll realize that the face you've scoffed at in the mirror is now much more appealing to you cause that nasty boil isn't there anymore!

What else? Eight of us (cousins, aunt and uncle) played Life yesterday and I was pretty much the laggard in 'life'. I was the last person to finish, having gone over the same stretch four times thanks to a stupid yellow space called 'Go back 15 spaces'. I was a journalist btw, with twin boys and a salary of $24,000 per year. Sounds like a nice life, no? In the end, when the money was counted, aunt who was a doctor with four boys ended up last though and I ended up second last. Much like the running races I used to take part in school.

Vacation plans seem to be shelved currently. So das.

Oh, last weekend we splurged at Odyssey buying all the kids summer timepass stuff (that's where the Life game came from). Was very disappointed that Odyssey didn't have classic bestsellers like Catcher in the Rye or Love in the Time of Cholera. Three kids still await their turn. Last weekend I also had an extremely unforgettable conversation with N. Gawd, my friends!

It's time to go home now. I have broasted chicken to make.

Fare ye well.

(Kabhi khud pe hansa main, kabhi khud pe roya! Ugh! I hate Farhan Akhtar's non-singing voice. Sat did a good imitation. Also the hilarious Black 'hwaatah'. :D)

Hee hee

Hellooooo :D

Notes to myself

It's another one of those days. Long, interminable. How long am I going to feel like this? Yes, probably until I finish all my scorecards. And when will I do that? Now that's a question without an answer. You know how they show days passing by in the movies? Clouds rushing away, in the daytime, over and over again? I feel like that. All my days seem the same. Sure, there are days when the bwas outnumber the whees or the other way round, but mostly, they're just empty days. Empty, I wish, would translate into having nothing to do. I do, 'do stuff' but it seems like nothing in the end. 

Yesterday seemed like one of the 'gooder' days. There's a new project, at least worth talking about. Yes, there's a lot of statistics involved and that scares me, but still, it's new. Then the parents alaafed the girl to go buy herself a new cell. Which was worth wheeing about for at least a few hours. And I did. Opened up lots of tabs with mobile phone reviews only to hastily minimize them when someone scary showed up. Last week could have been called 'feedback' week. Ugh. I wonder why I'm not allergic to that word yet. Oh and a job offer popped in my inbox. But I don't think I'm interested. The only reason why I considered it was because it would be something new. But there's no point in moving onto something else just cause it's new, right? It's funny how I always used to think that the pay would be the least important criterion when it came to finding the 'right' job. And now, it keeps me stuck, the fear, the insecurity. How sad. 

Pfft. It's time I get back to my 'model recreation'. If only it was really recreation. My shopping-craving self has been complaining of neglect. Oh which reminds me that I spent quite some time going over Macy's and other American department stores' websites last week. I even went to Google Maps and looked up the road that Macy's was on. (Yes, we can add a few lines to the 'Confessions of A Shopaholic' script). How I heart Google Streetview. Blister was telling me you can clearly see New York uncle's house on the map. I really loves. I kept wishing that I could somehow get a 'Streetview' into Macy's itself, walk in, wander the aisles, and buy something if I liked it! That's how they should make shopping websites :D. Sigh. MUSTGOSHOPPINGSOON. The new, big, shiny mall opens today. 

Sniff. I wants out. I wants freedom. I wants job I be at least marginally passionate about. Only wants, nothing does. Stoopid girl. 

Now back to the model recreation. 

Oh and Ammy said, 'I eat juice'. :D 

Addiction

Blogger says I last blogged on March 22nd. Wow, so close to making it a whole month! But well, my conscience was bugging me and Blister was bugging me more, so, here we go:

1. April 2nd. W.H.O.A.
2. Desperately want to start afresh workwise. Still wondering how to get about doing that.
3. Ammy's growing up into a Hyderabadi buddi says her mom. Couldn't agree more. Somebody should slow down these kids.
4. 5 of us cousins watched '13B' last night, huddled in a corner with the volume on the speakers turned up and the lights off. Turned my back to the laptop and missed a reel life meets real life scary moment and three of the girls screamed. Why do I torture myself with horror movies, anyway? Immu was her irritating, brave tomboy self and did not bat a lid as she watched the movie all the while scoffing at us poor scared mortals.
5. Too many break-ups. Too many relationships not working out. We need more happy stories.
6. First sustained attempt at reading non-fiction, Basharat Peer's 'Curfewed Night'. Haunting.
7. Had an amazing two days attending a Corporate Etiquette class. I still don't have answers to his questions 'What do you really want to do?' and 'What's stopping you?'

In office now. Yayyy! :|

Bwa

Sometimes you just get tired of having the same conversations over and over again with the same people. Maybe you should put a compulsory break in between so that the next time you talk, you have something new to share, and it's not the same dos and don'ts repeated again, the same dry conversation and a feeling of being irritated and relieved when it's over instead of feeling at peace. Reminds me of how I told mom one day that I couldn't bear to meet a certain colleague on a weekend cause it was bad enough to bear with them during the week, and how I thought to myself after that whether the same thing didn't apply to family members. Hmm. Right now though, Baba's telling me a joke and I'm all ears :D Or eyes.

This time is usually depressing, with the tubelight on and darkness outside. Life's become a sticky rut. The zing is missing.
I realize that I'm still not doing a thing with my life and I still am too deeply ingrained into my routine to do anything about it. Phah.

:| What to do? I've even given up on reading Zen Habits :| I need a push, a shove. Push me off, someone. Deep dive? Come up with a pearl?

Argh. The only thing I'm going to feel good about tonight is that I'm going to sleep earlier than usual. Yes, at least one thing. I hope that it somehow guarantees that this week will be better than the previous ones. GIVE ME THE FREE SEASON, ALREADY!

I'm jaded, grounded. Arrrrrrrrrr.

To the moon and back

 I am sleepy in office again. It's not new anymore. Yesterday night was spent mostly cursing work and office. And of course the fussy, confused, self-sacrificing colleague I've been working with. I need a break like a certain colleague who suddenly decided to take a week off smack in the middle of the busy season (also quit a coupla weeks later). (People refuse to believe that a financial firm could have a busy season. It does, believe me. There are many kinds of financial firms.) I woke up and began to cry. Like a 6 year old who does not want to go to school. There has to be a limit to how much you can drain people. I feel like my brain's running a permanent leak. Immu said yesterday, after I saw her overslept-face, 'Don't you feel jealous that I sleep so much and you don't?' And for a second I couldn't think of anything to say. I've been out of that mode for so long that it feels like I was never there.

Had a nice PAX weekend. Despite work, there are things to be happy about. Shiny, glowy, light-your-face-up-in-the-dark type things. Am I making sense? I'm not trying too hard. I feel like I'm jumping from one end of a see-saw to another. One side where I'm raging, face scrunched up and going 'WHAT!' and another where I can scarcely get the 'Whaaaat' it out of my mouth because my lower jaw's trailing the floor. 

I think I'll leave it at that.