Bad sleep schedule, cold mornings have ruined my eating cycle which means it's giving me acidity. My skin is driving me nuts. I've also begun collecting other people's hangups, I've become OCD about multiple things. I *have* to sweep my room every morning. I *have* to look at the dust and cringe. I *have* to start getting overobsessed with disorderly clothes/books or dust on boxes. Just looking at insects makes my skin itch. If the fan is running at a very high speed, my skin goes dry, if it's running at a slow speed I get restless. The regulator's come off now and it's become extremely hard to get the fan to switch speeds. I've become careless about prayers. Everything is fluff. A firefox tab with inspirational quotes on the importance of time is perpetually open but I don't bother to look at it anymore. I listened to Dawud Wharnsby (I recommend this to anyone, just for the lovely and soothing music) today and the famed 'Last Breath', but still couldn't make myself get out of bed.
Back after a long break. It makes one feel so worthless when you know you're doing nothing worthwhile. Specially since you've suddenly realized that the most successful people (by any standards) are those who make the best use of their time. It was reading what has come to be one of my favouritest blogs, Lightness of Being that I realized I've stopped evolving, there are people I know everywhere who're disciplined, who're actually getting things out of life and here I am, and yet, and yet in spite of everything it's only here that I am. What does it take to get up and go? Why do some people find it so easy and why is it so tough for other people? When I was reading her blog, I just wanted to run to some Cave Hira of my own, find peace, find answers. And right now that's impossible, extremely loud music is reverberating throughout the campus, discordant with music playing within the hostel, finally resulting in total chaos. I know it's worse in the boys hostels, but this is really driving me nuts right now. Why, why so loud? I wanted to scream, to shout, but I'm more or less much more peaceful than then.
I know, I know that I'm happier when I"m ticking off things from a list. But what, what does it take to get from here to there? Why don't I have it? And I did try, an extremely ambitious revamping plan that failed, probably because it was too ambitious. I want a rehaul, I want a cleansing waterfall. I want to go home where I'm normal, but that's not a solution. Because it's here that I really am, the kind of person I am without being influenced by others. I sometimes find myself wishing that water would gush through the roof of my room and then everything would be all right.
I wish there was a No Sitcoms Day. Or No Meaningless Television Day. It's become such a useless addiction. There's no routine, so there's no reason to cut down on it. I remember how sick I was of routine during my summer internship. But the routine was satisfying to an extent, I managed to get in 10 mins of exercise, at least everyday. I'm going to sleep now, though it seems impossible that I will considering the painful noise and that I'll probably end up mulling over everything. Another sleepless night that will end up in me waking up tomorrow afternoon, same thing all over again...
I'm going to do one small thing though. I'm going to join the NaBloPoMo wagon. Late and for half the time only. I'm going to post three things I'm grateful for each day; I whine enough.
So here goes NaBloPoMo no. 1, 3 things I am grateful for today:
- For friends who truly have the patience and the insight to understand me, at least 98% of the time
- For Maliha's blog, I should call it a Ramadhan gift to myself.
- For people like Dawud Wharnsby and Zaid, who offer much needed alternatives to regular music