Monday, May 28, 2007


So what can cheer you up on a dreary Monday morning when you're not in the best of spirits?
Seinlanguage! :) Leave a comment if you want the e-book.

The suit is definitely the universal business outfit for men. There is nothing else that men like to wear when they're doing business. I don't know why it projects this image of power. Why is it intimidating?
"We'd better do what this guy says, his pants match his jacket."
Men love the suit so much, we've actually styled our pajamas to look like a tiny suit.Our pajamas have little lapels, little cuffs, simulated breast pocket. Do you need a breast pocket on your pajamas? You put a pen in there, you roll over in the middle of the night, you kill yourself.

Buying clothes is always tricky. But when there's loud music playing, it really throws your judgment. You look at stuff like, "Hey, if there was a cool party and I was a cool guy, this might be a cool shirt."
You get it home, there's no music, there's no party, and you're not a cool guy.
You're the same chump, 75 bucks lighter.

Women approach clothes from a different angle altogether. The other day I was watching women in a department store looking at clothes, and I noticed women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes. They take a dress off the rack and they hold it up against themselves. They can tell something from this. They stick one leg way out and kind of lean back. I guess they need to know, "If someday I'm one-legged at a forty-five-degree angle, what am I going to wear?"

I love watching women put on their perfume. They're very careful. They have their little stratego areas. Places they think we're going. They always hit the inside of the wrist. Women are convinced that this is the most action-packed area that could ever happen. Why, ladies? What is happening there? Is that in case you slap the guy? He still finds you intriguing. . . .
He turns back, "Oh . . . Chanel."

Have you ever called someone up and you're disappointed when they answer the phone? You wanted the machine. And you're always kind of thrown off. You go, "Oh I uh, I, didn't know you were there, I just wanted to leave a message saying, 'Sorry I missed you.'"
So because of the phone machine, what you can have is two people that don't really ever want to talk, and the phone machine is like this relationship respirator keeping these marginal, brain-dead relationships alive. Why do we do this? Because when we come home we want to see that little flashing red light and go,
"All right,messages."
People need that. It's very important for human beings to feel they are popular and well-liked amongst a large group of people that they have no interest in.

I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that much. Because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone, "You can't talk to me like that!" BANG, it's over. But a cordless phone—"You can't talk to me like that! All right now, let me just find that little thing to turn this off. . . . Just hang on, I'm hanging up on you."

Nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. To me, there's no better way than a paperweight to express to someone, "I refused to put any thought into this at all." And where are these people working that the papers are just blowing right off of their desks anyway? Is their office screwed to the back of a flatbed truck going own the highway or something? Are they typing up in the crow's nest of a clipper hip? What do you need a paperweight for? Where's the wind coming from?

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

It seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car will behave as if it were a nervous, hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it, it just goes, "Waahaahaahaah!" Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not everyone wants to draw that much attention to themselves. Wouldn't it be nice if you would have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? Somebody tries to break in the car and it goes, "Uh, ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?" I would like a car alarm like that.
People will kill each other for a parking space in New York because they think, "If I don't get this one, I may never get a space. I'll be searching for months until somebody goes out to the Hamptons." Because everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. It's like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964. The problem is, while car manufacturers are building hundreds of thousands of new cars every year, they're not making any new spaces. That's what they should be working on. Wouldn't that be great, you go to the auto show and they've got a big revolving turntable with nothing on it.
"New from Chrysler, a space."

What are lawyers really? To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules f the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has actually read the inside of the top of the box. I think probably the most fun thing a lawyer can do is say, "Objection."
"Objection! Objection, Your Honor!"
Objection, of course, is the adult version of "'fraid not!"
To which the judge can say two things.
He can say, "Overruled," which is the adult version of " 'Fraid so."
Or he can say "Sustained," which is the adult version of "Duh."

PS: Shubza's post reminded me of this book.


blister said...

Nobody's leaving comments on your blo'ohg - laa la laa, laa laa, laa laaaaaa........... :p

oh yeah, i can almost picturize Sienfeld saying all that.

mythalez said...

"People need that. It's very important for human beings to feel they are popular and well-liked amongst a large group of people that they have no interest in. "

so funny yet so true :)

Argentyne said...

chup baitho ji :P

doda soda, I know! I loved that line :)

Sudha said...

I so want that book!!

Send it over, dear.

Sorry to have missed you when you were in town, btw. Stupid girl, would it've killed you to call and tell me you were leaving??

Anyway. The book: Gimme!