Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Hello again, Square One

The past two days should have some kind of a marker for the rest of my life. I'm feeling silly even as I write this and I wish I could go back to the time when there were three people who read this blog, all strangers.

I wonder why we do this to ourselves... convince ourselves that a higher risk might actually bring a higher return? Why cross the road and leave yourself in the middle of it? Why seek a safety blanket... why settle on it like a contented cat when you sat down gingerly, only to be told that you're too saintly for this filthy rug? Why think that a line like that would be a compliment when it was only a polite way to tell you to leave?

Such unneeded bitterness. What's the use of your own advice when you leave it unheeded? I tell myself that I'm content with my behaviour when I'm not. Why, why should you always lean over until you lose your balance?

I feel like writing down line after line of cliched sentimental crap. That I have my books and my poetry. And I do. Only that I haven't been in this place in the longest time. I know the answer and I'm still probing. That's what we do, stupid creatures of whim. There was great sense in what SYQ said and it applies to this situation so well... And I smiled at myself in the mirror last night. Multiple times in fact. Smile, smile it'll be okay. Smile, you're doing fine, smile. And I thought I was! Oh god, this self-pity is so idiotic.

Learn something, you silly woman. Handle with caution and care.

"...but it may happen that ye hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that ye love a thing which is bad for you. Allah knoweth, ye know not" - 2:216